What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 08:20
I was scared of men, in general
Who then, do I blame.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
How do you fight the push and pull (manipulation) tactic if you want to win him?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
This is soul school!.
Why does cocaine makes me want to dress up and get fuck
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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My life is so biszare .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What is your worst experience in life?
I was 9 years of age.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When she asked me how she looked .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why am I so jealous towards couples? Why am I tired of being single and feel my life is over?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Has your wife made you a cuckold?
Would this be the day?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it wasn’t much.
I just cannot wake up early, even if I sleep on time. What should I do?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My family never makes their pension either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Put me off passion for life!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But, we were locked up after school.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
I will be 64.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So whats the point in blame.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Ive learnt so much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She loved him until the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was seconnd youngest,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I have no regrets .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Comes on , in middle age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im still living with it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I did it because my mum asked me too!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It was going to be , some day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot live in the past .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were not on the streets..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What did i know ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I said to her
She found it foreign!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
All the time i was locked up.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She married twice! .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We all went to grammer schools
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I think the readers, may guess!
(And it was in our own minds.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.